Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Decorating and Zoom

After he had completed his rock around the Christmas tree and worked his way back up the chimney, only having to replace two bricks this time - (he needs some Slim-fast) -, off went Santa Claus to his next delivery.

The sleigh went so fast that the reindeer must have had jets embedded in their hooves. It was either jet propulsion or they were experiencing the short term benefits of steroids.

In any case, he discovered that his next house had been naughty all year, and you know what Santa does to someone who has been naughty all year. He was experiencing slight irregularity and therefore was in no hurry. To fill this time void, he began to exercise his cranium.

Struck by a bolt of inspiration he suddenly shouted literally from the rooftops “Aha! that’s how he does it!”--no, no,-- he didn’t shout the word “literally,” he shouted “aha that’s how he does it”. --

Only Santa Claus and I now know my secret to decorating a house at this time of year.

The subconscious information withheld from you has caused a feeling of guilt to build up within me that this year I feel it will be beneficial to share mine and Santa’s trade secret with our many fans (opportunity rarely presents itself, hence a little self-adoration! ). I am hoping that this revelation will act as our relief valve and will save you time.

Nonetheless, being too cheap to hire a lawyer, I am not absolutely sure that I am not breaking some sort of law. I doubt that I am but, just in case, please don’t send the authorities to arrest me.

The rule of thumb is:  --it’s O.K. to break the law, but where criminals make their huge mistake, is that they allow themselves to be caught--

Well anyway, the very first operation in my routine of decorating is to move the ornaments from the attic to the second floor. In that there are many intriguing ornaments this only takes me one week.

After ample rest, which is generally another week, the ornaments are moved from the second floor to the first.

I do possess enough experience to know that there must come an additional weeks rest between this operation and the official time of beginning house decoration.

In that we like to have our decorations up by the day after Thanksgiving, scheduling dictates that I begin the first operation the day after Labor Day. However, I recommend that you begin in late August as this will allow you plenty of time.

This Christmas decorating generally presents a conflict with fertilizing the lawn at the beginning of fall.

The very first move in the decorating procedure is to make sure that all the bulbs on the strands burn as brightly as they did last year. --Really, to discover whether they burn at all!

Bulbs that shine brightly from one year to the next have become an extreme rarity.

To check your bulbs to discover whether they give off that radiant glow of last year, it is necessary to lay the strands of lights on the floor.

I must admit to you that I possess very few negative traits. However, one is that I do have is bad balance.

Most years at exactly this point in the operation I lose said balance and end up playing “hop-scotch” with the lights.

This is a segment of the operation, which I recommend you avoid at all costs, as it will immediately present the loss of good bulbs. A mystery presents itself, when the number that I step on is always six.

It then becomes necessary to locate those electrical do-dads which are also rarely in the same place I left them last year. Remember--I am married.

I fully expected them to remain on the dining room table for 10 months.

These “do-dads” are the plugs, multiple outlets etc.

Now the following segment is where an additional mystery evolves, which is far more crucial.

I begin with perfectly, efficiently, burning lights. In that we have a two story house, it generally takes me 2 days to string the lights and when I am finished doing the ladder thing and have the lights all strung and in place--those lights never burn--.

I conclude that there must be an electrical short somewhere in the line.

The ladder is retrieved from its place of storage, but I can never locate the short. (I thought it was six that I broke!! as our lights will not shine if there is one broken bulb.) This may seem like a suspense thriller, in that there is a third mystery that presents itself. Why are you never able to detect a broken bulb until it has been in the attic for a year?

Out of the last 35 years of Christmas decorations, ½ have been spent with brightly colored Christmas lights, but they are only evident during the daylight hours.

Which meant that for 17 years, at this time of year, my only remaining consolation is looking forward to Easter.

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