Saturday, August 27, 2011


The check-out line was long at the supermarket, as it snaked its way back to the cantaloupe section.
“Why did I ever come to this place?" uttered the man to himself under his breath. “I could be sunning myself on the beach, drinking a ‘cool one’ and viewing the femme fatales as they walk by."

A thin veil of optimism crept over him as he suddenly realized there were only 3 people in front of him, until he achieved his “check-out” goal.

This gave him the opportunity to pick-up one of the tabloids. After reading a small segment, he once again said to himself, “That guy must get married to another woman and pick up all his money from the tabloid publishers, cause I never have seen him act.”

The person checking out was fumbling for her checkbook and the clerk was having difficulty locating the total button which added to already long delay.

Finally, this customer had a change of attitude, and became downright ebullient.

His enthusiasm heightened to a point of ecstasy because he was next in line to be checked out and have his purchases finalized.

He had only two items and he wished he had access to a 10 item or less, but the store didn't have such a checkout. -- He rationalized,

“It’s probably best that they don’t have such a line as I would get out of the store much faster, be on my way home and at that time would be in a fatal car accident. Come to think of it, by not having such a line, my life has been spared.”

Arriving at the point where he was face to face with the checkout clerk, “Ugly little kid,” he muttered, under his breath.

The man politely placed the mouse trap and the cheese on the counter.

He was fairly convinced that the sounds that he heard in his apartment in the middle of the night, were those of mice, rather than the moose he initially suspected.

With extreme difficulty, coupled with an almost lethargic response, the clerk rang-up the mouse trap.

Being the curious individual that he was, which was pretty much dictated by his age, the clerk picked up the item for further investigation.

Unfortunately, in the process of selection the man had purposely set the trap, to check its efficiency.

Well anyway, to make a long story short, the clerk, after saying “Uh, this is interesting,” activated the mouse trap on his nose. The young boy cried out as did the man--No, it was more of a grumble from the latter--

The man was not a connoisseur of fine cheeses, and therefore had placed in his cart the first wedge of soft cheese that he came to.

Apparently the shock and small amount of pain this boy encountered with the trap, also caused the boy to ram his thumb in the middle of the cheese.

After calling 911 and the supervisor, the paramedics were able to pry the trap from the boy’s olfactory as well as well as his thumb out of the cheese.

Not only did the event add a welt to the boy's nose and a band-aid to his thumb, it also added greatly to the time delay.

"Hey mister, what about your trap and cheese?"

As the man hastily left for another store he vociferously replied, "In your dreams young man, only in your dreams!!"

Sunday, August 21, 2011


The objective of this article is not to sound condescending. You are certainly my friend and even though I probably know much more than you, I will always consider our friendship greater, and will therefore overlook your deficiency. (:

But anyway, the scientific name for one of my favorite pastimes is philematology. For the uneducated that is the scientific name for kissing.

While I was studying up on this fact I also discovered the average married couple will spend 20,160 minutes philematolizing.

We have been married for 49 years now and regrettably have brought that average down, particularly in the last ten years.

Also, scientists have discovered that the average couple loses 26 calories on that first kiss due to exhilaration, excitement, expectation, exaggeration, exceptional; etc. (never realized there were so many ex's associated with that first philematolize).

Do you think that is the reason divorce is running rampant?

In other words: (And this is my stance on the issue. )

Assuming that first philematolize has a quasi enduring effect and the couple is joined in matrimony.

Do most of the chimerical ex’s disappear, with those few remaining reality ex’s transformed into harshness, until one morning we awake to discover those ex’s have changed us into a real live EX?

Unfortunately, if the relationship endures, the act of philematolizing follows almost a mathematical plane curve straight down to the depths of despair.

As I mentioned, we have been married for several years and we have reached the stage where we now only lose 0.2 calories per philematolize.

Nonetheless, my wife, so that she can maintain her figure, has insisted that we go around the house lip-locked. This in itself is not a bad idea, until it comes time to mow the lawn.

However, in our teens and twenties we did a lot of philematolizing. I even went so far as to introduce the French philematolize, but in that we didn’t speak the language and lacked the necessary papers (passport, etc.) we were politely asked to terminate our efforts in those areas. ( oh! what memorable efforts-and who categorized this as an effort anyway?)

When you are into a relationship, kissing generally leads to something else.

The following is exactly why the Eskimo and Polynesian birth rate is sub-standard.

Believe it or not-these people rub noses in lieu of lip philematolizing-which often presents an obstacle for an Eskimo or Polynesian prizefighter-

This only leads to more nose kissing which creates a decrease of Eskimo and Polynesian prodigy.

This form of philematology is done on purpose-it is maintained to benefit the economy of the individuals, who are quite un-appreciative of this fact.

As they can not wait to get back to lip philematology and what comes after.

Those poor people are doing this at the request of their government.-and it has been ruled this is the pinnacle of government interference-

And while we're on the subject, did you realize the the average human esophagus is 10-14" in length and-