Saturday, July 30, 2011


The doctor said I must undergo a colonoscopy about two years ago
to discover whether the bleeding I was having from my posterior end was cancerous.

I can not speak for humanity, but fortunately for me it wasn’t.

I am not aware of the techniques used by the physician when performing an operation of this type, other than he makes you get up awfully early. I probably have confided in you this fact, that I am not terribly thrilled about early. -No- I downright despise early!

However, I do know that a colonoscopy operation also involves a lot of questions about the status of your health with emphasis on your insurance.

You also have to change from your street clothes into what is referred to as a hospital gown.

Putting the gown on properly is an extremely complicated maneuver.

In fact, I am quite an enterprising person. I have discovered a void in our system that hasn’t been filled. I would like to start a course on how to properly adorn yourself with a hospital gown, teaching the correct way to tie strap A with corresponding A strap, the B strap with the corresponding B strap, and so forth.

In other words, when you graduate from my course, you will possess all the necessary knowledge as to how to correctly put on a hospital gown. The most attractive part of this course is that I have designed one that will only take four weeks to complete.

The second most attractive feature, is that the course will only cost you $275.00.

Well, returning to the operation, after pretending to have figured out how to put on a hospital gown ( remember, only $275 ) you are then asked to lay your body onto this bed that has wheels. In that it is a very small bed you will be lucky if your attempt at ascension onto this horizontal cot does not cause you to meet “face to face” with the floor.

After you have successfully gotten your body onto the bed with wheels, a nurse will run a bunch of physical tests on you like blood pressure, temperature, etc. and continue to ask you questions. Only this time those questions will be mostly about the weather and the score of last night’s baseball game.

Then comes that moment when they unlock and start using those wheels. The attendants will wheel you into this room, where if your lucky, as I was, see the doctor.

Before I was given that shot of anesthesia, I ask the doc if he would do me a great favor: To inspect the colon very thoroughly and if he didn’t find my head up there, he would write my wife a note to that effect.

Being a very accommodating fellow, he agreed to those terms.

You will “sail off” to dream land after you have been given that shot of anesthesia which either works slow or fast. The slow effect would resemble the way my wife drives. She does not believe we should exceed 45 MPH in a 65 MPH zone.

The rapidly acting anesthesia very closely resembles a “ker-plunk and off to dreamland”.

Mine was the “ker-plunk” type.

After the operation is completed they wheel you into this room where you attempt to regain consciousness.

Not just from the operation, but from falling off that cot again.

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