Sunday, August 21, 2011


The objective of this article is not to sound condescending. You are certainly my friend and even though I probably know much more than you, I will always consider our friendship greater, and will therefore overlook your deficiency. (:

But anyway, the scientific name for one of my favorite pastimes is philematology. For the uneducated that is the scientific name for kissing.

While I was studying up on this fact I also discovered the average married couple will spend 20,160 minutes philematolizing.

We have been married for 49 years now and regrettably have brought that average down, particularly in the last ten years.

Also, scientists have discovered that the average couple loses 26 calories on that first kiss due to exhilaration, excitement, expectation, exaggeration, exceptional; etc. (never realized there were so many ex's associated with that first philematolize).

Do you think that is the reason divorce is running rampant?

In other words: (And this is my stance on the issue. )

Assuming that first philematolize has a quasi enduring effect and the couple is joined in matrimony.

Do most of the chimerical ex’s disappear, with those few remaining reality ex’s transformed into harshness, until one morning we awake to discover those ex’s have changed us into a real live EX?

Unfortunately, if the relationship endures, the act of philematolizing follows almost a mathematical plane curve straight down to the depths of despair.

As I mentioned, we have been married for several years and we have reached the stage where we now only lose 0.2 calories per philematolize.

Nonetheless, my wife, so that she can maintain her figure, has insisted that we go around the house lip-locked. This in itself is not a bad idea, until it comes time to mow the lawn.

However, in our teens and twenties we did a lot of philematolizing. I even went so far as to introduce the French philematolize, but in that we didn’t speak the language and lacked the necessary papers (passport, etc.) we were politely asked to terminate our efforts in those areas. ( oh! what memorable efforts-and who categorized this as an effort anyway?)

When you are into a relationship, kissing generally leads to something else.

The following is exactly why the Eskimo and Polynesian birth rate is sub-standard.

Believe it or not-these people rub noses in lieu of lip philematolizing-which often presents an obstacle for an Eskimo or Polynesian prizefighter-

This only leads to more nose kissing which creates a decrease of Eskimo and Polynesian prodigy.

This form of philematology is done on purpose-it is maintained to benefit the economy of the individuals, who are quite un-appreciative of this fact.

As they can not wait to get back to lip philematology and what comes after.

Those poor people are doing this at the request of their government.-and it has been ruled this is the pinnacle of government interference-

And while we're on the subject, did you realize the the average human esophagus is 10-14" in length and-

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