Sunday, June 12, 2011

Ah! To Be Loved Again!

I found myself in an awkward position after a night’s sleep that was full of tossing and turning. I was face to face with my bowl of Rice Krispies!

The snap and krackle from the Krispies came through loud and clear, but I never could hear the pop. I definitely was not delusional nor paranoid, but never hearing that pop made me quite upset. My suspicion abounded as to whether my not hearing the pop was related to my bad personality. Incidentally, of the snap, krackle and pop, the pop has the highest decibel rating and thus should be heard better. Whether you knew that or not or even care about the decibel rating of the pop is of secondary importance at this moment.

Now, a fixation has totally engulfed me about how my bad personality blended with the purpose of life. I have concluded that in general my life is screwed up, bad personality and all. What was the answer to my problem?

Improvement in my personality was one very obvious choice but that would be a very difficult task. I could obtain the input of my friends as to what they truly think about my personality and character and analyze their opinions.

Or I could do the easiest of the three options which is to commit suicide. In that I am not a particularly aggressive individual, the third option seemed to me to be the most appealing. Besides that, preparations had already begun for commencement of the third option as I had been eyeballing the bottle of cyanide that was under the kitchen sink.

“Oh life! I am so inexperienced at everything, I don’t even know the best method to use to commit suicide. In that I have not heard anything on the news about suicide deaths related to cyanide recently, I guess that cyanide is losing popularity,” I thought. “Then again, cyanide may have deleterious side effects.”

Being an inventive person, I decided to pour cyanide from that bottle that held it into my Rice Krispies. I was about to begin when a question struck me and caused me to temporarily abort the process. “Fiber, fiber - does cyanide have enough fiber to support my good health?” I looked and looked, but could not find an ingredients label on the bottle.

This unpleasant discovery caused me to permanently abort the process and select another option. “Well, I guess I’ll have to go with the second option and seek the opinion of my friends as to just what they think of me.”

My first inclination was to call my very good friends and set up a time to meet with them, but in that they are mostly airheads, their opinion of me wouldn’t mean very much. “I know, I’ll call my ex-girl friends because they are very intelligent and objective - It is that group that will give me the most honest and forthright opinion of myself. And in that we are no longer attached to me they should give a completely objective opinion.”

There was the question of would they be nice to me now that I have broken up with them. Actually, both of them broke up with me, I guess due to my bad personality. “I’ll call Nan first as she is the most reliable and forthright.” The phone call was made to Nan who surprisingly took my call. As an additional surprise, she also was very cordial. After we conversed about the generalities, I told her what I needed, and asked her to meet me at the local coffee shop where we could talk and I could buy her a cup of coffee. A cup of coffee with a girl that I hadn’t seen in over two years.

Let me tell you, I was ecstatic. In preparation for our meeting I begrudgingly shaved, took a shower which I had been avoiding for three days and put on some sweet smelling stuff.

I made it to my car and headed straight for Nan’s house. We had made the quasi-date for July 3. And I was to pick her up at 3. Everything went well until we arrived at the coffee shop.

The coffee shop was very busy as all of the tables were occupied, and the stools at the counter make us both dizzy. We discussed our choices and finally opted to occupy the stools. Sitting on the stools made me very dizzy which in turn made me sick to my stomach. The long and short of this scenario was that I barfed on a napkin which had been emblazoned with the Declaration of Independence.

Even before Nan and I could establish a dialogue, I had made a spectacle of myself. I felt truly embarrassed and very unpatriotic as I had just desecrated the Declaration of Independence. Nevertheless, I returned from the restroom to the stools to commence a conversation with Nan. No longer did I feel sick.

Our overall patriotism was strengthened by the paper cups that our coffee came in. Those cups were emblazoned with an American flag with thirteen stars which represented the original thirteen states. And to further bolster our patriotism, the cook was humming the “Star Spangled Banner.” That coffee shop was really into the celebration of the 4th.

My first question to Nan was, “Are you going to a parade tomorrow?”

Her negative reply left me very confused and full of anticipation. She was either between boyfriends or she no longer had any interest.

However, I could tell by the look in her eyes that the second condition did not exist.

After discussing several uneventful and obscure events, I finally found the nerve to ask Nan what she honestly thought of me. After pondering my question for what seemed like an eternity, she answered.

“Well, first of all I’ll list the positive traits. You have a great personality, secondly you seem to have a good head on you shoulders and you are a good provider. Now, for the negatives. You are somewhat self-centered, a teensy bit narcissistic and very imaginative about bad events taking place. You also are very delusional bordering on paranoia.”

“ Thank you, Nan, for your rather forthright answer about my characteristics,” I replied. “Your honesty is always appreciated - now I have another question for you. Would you accompany me to a local Fourth of July parade tomorrow?”

She thought about that question for about as long as she did when she formed an opinion of me. Her answer was No.

“You see Greg, my boyfriend, is away for the holidays and if he found out that I went to a parade with a former boyfriend, well, he’d be greatly disappointed.”

I did so much appreciate talking with her, but I had to get on with my life. Her reply about the parade brought a feeling of rejection.

So I paid for the coffee and took Nan home.

In that it wasn’t far between the coffee shop and Nan’s house, I returned to the former location.

And that left Barbara, with whom I had lived. Over that time we had become intimate buddies.

I gave her a call from the coffee shop and she was also very cordial. She said “Yes, when and where shall we meet?”

I replied, at our coffee shop, ASAIIC. Which is the acronym for, As Soon As It Is Convenient.

Barely finishing my cup of coffee, Barbara pulled up in a new, red sports car. (Barb was always a punctual showoff.)

As soon as I exited the door to meet her she displayed additional showmanship by honking the horn and waving at me.

We were at the stools again, and I didn’t get sick this time, although my head spun like a revolving door.

We discussed her favorite subject, politics. As we concluded our political discussion I purposely directed our conversation to local events, hoping that would garner a more favorable answer. From there I took our conversation to “Barb, I am preparing a resumé for a local establishment for whom I may work, and I was wondering if you would help me. What exactly do you think of me?”

Her reply came almost instantaneously. “Greg, I think your biggest asset is your pleasing personality. Secondly, you make a very good appearance bordering on handsomeness and you are a great conversationalist. You also are slightly hypochondriacally inclined and a definite candidate for OCD.”

Somehow, I liked her answer better than Nan’s. However, both of the girls said I had a pleasing personality which is a code for the fact that I am either ugly or greatly mistaken about my personality. The fact that I am ugly is something I’ll just have to live with as right now I was more interested in Barbara.

“Barb, will you go to the local 4th of July parade with me?” I said. “If you say yes, we can eat nachos on our break and have some cotton candy which we can attempt to balance on our noses. I’ll even make the investment of treating you to a soft drink.”

As much as I felt my independence was a gift from above, I desperately needed the companionship of a woman. Not the intimate type of companionship, but rather I just needed a woman to talk with. I was not responsible for what would happen after our meeting.

Her enthusiastic reply in the affirmative strengthened my enthusiasm and surprisingly, gave me a victorious feeling. This feeling instilled a chilling sensation throughout my body.

Well, we went to the parade and had a great time exploring each other’s minds. True, I haven’t seen Barbara in over a year now as I now take my commands from Kathy, who is my “main squeeze.” But, I shall never forget the forthright opinions of Nan and Barb.

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